A young man in the Steampunk scene yesterday was crushed to death by his own gears. His family has requested that his name remain private, but he was known in the Steampunk community as Lord Nigil Cornelius Crankstone IV.
According to the police report, no foul play is suspected, as Crankstone was literally crushed beneath the weight of the massive quantity of small gears he was wearing. The majority of them were glued, sewn, or riveted onto his clothing, but some were simply piled on. Crankstone was known to leave a trail of gears behind him when he walked.
"He must have been wearing over six hundred pounds of gears," said Joey Marsocci, better known as Dr. Grymm. "And that's American pounds, not British pounds."
Witnesses say that he was being helped into his costume, a large, mechanical-looking contraption covered in non-functioning gears, when the problem occurred. Witnesses report that Crankstone was standing there one moment, and then was crushed like a tin can the next.
"His girlfriend was helping him put his outfit on," said Thomas Willeford, a bystander. "She put one last tiny gear on him, and bam, he was gone. She didn't want to do it, but he insisted. I'll have nightmares for at least a day."
Steampunk, a burgeoning subculture movement in which participants wear 19th-century-inspired clothes adorned with as many goggles and gears as they can, has gained attention in the media lately with the release of Justin Bieber's music video "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", a critically-acclaimed entry into Bieber's rock-solid canon.
Steampunks believe that the more gears you wear, the "cooler" you look, and it is absolutely forbidden for the gears to actually function as a part of a machine. While this odd hobby may seem benign, this incident proves that it can easily be taken too far.
"I'm glad he's dead," said notable Steampunk author Jeff Vandermeer. "These Steampunks take it way too far, you know? Maybe now they'll learn that Steampunk is serious business."
Lord Crankstone lived with his parents, but he leaves behind a pretend family, including his pretend wife, Lady Victoria Bruce Crankstone, and his two pretend children, Master Richard "Spotty" Crankstone and the young Miss Abigail Eustlace Crankstone.
This article is satire. Quotes are made up, and this should not under any circumstances be taken seriously by anyone!
20 Responses
So you can´t wait until April 1st, right?
Nope!
I'm so SAD to hear this news. But on a related topic, are any of the guilty gears available to the rest of us, who may be able to put them to good use. I mean ... after a proper mourning period and all ...
I didn't know Lord Nigil Cornelius Crankstone IV personally, but I have consulted a medium who assures me, had we ever met, he would have wanted me to have them.
His pretend family will be distributing his gears to the Steampunk community, spreading them out so that this tragedy doesn't repeat.
So here's your gearified "Onion"! ;-)
It's incredibly touching and sweet that a Justin Bieber impersonator will sing at the memorial.
Featured songs include "Do you Gear what I Gear?" , "Spinning Wheel" (by Blood, Sweat and Gears), "Turn, Turn, Turn", and "Gear Jammer" by George Thorogood and the Destroyers.
Running my rig around ninety-five,
Rockin' and rollin' in overdrive
My heart's beating like a jackhammer,
It's the midnight ride for the gear jammer
Nine long days through twenty-three states,
I gotta see my baby soon you know I just can't wait
The police catch me I'll end up in the slammer,
'Cause the law don't want no gear jammer
Running my rig in a mighty high gear,
I don't care where I go just long as it ain't here
Something gets in my way you know I'm gonna ram it,
Nobody fools around with this gear jammer
Running my rig about ninety-five,
I'm a-rockin' and a-rollin' in overdrive
My heart's beating like a jackhammer,
Don't you get in the way of this gear jammer...
LOL!
All this sympathy for his pretend family, I understand.
But, what of the bystanders?!
We're all aware, for example, of just how delicate Mr. Willeford's sensibilities are. Where might those who witnessed this most unfortunate of incidents receive counseling and solace?
A DAY! They're going to have nightmares for at least a DAY! It's just... oh, it's all just far, far too much....
We have created a self-help support group for the bystanders. Naturally, it's called FEAR THE GEAR.
Counseling will be offered, free of charge, by Ms. Evelyn Kriete. Her people skills are top-notch, and she makes an excellent counselor by virtue of her high degree of empathy and altruism.
Goodness. I never actually had tea shoot out of my nose before.
Happy to provide that unique experience for you. =)
Steampunk is not for weaklings.
(Note: This is not intended as a negative comment on members of the Steampunk subculture who happen to be Weak themselves, who follow an Alternate-Weak lifestyle, or who have friends or family in the Weak community. Some of my best friends are Weak, and I admit to experimenting with Weakness while in college.)
I'll admit it:
I am Weak. =(
Like I have been saying ever since I coined the term about a month ago...."Fear the Gear" ™ © . If any article proves it, it's this one. Now buy my T-Shirts damn-it! I need money to buy more supplies.
Q: What do you call a sexually transmitted disease from a sleeping with a steampunk?
A: Gearnorrhea
Hahaha! I wonder how many more awful jokes like that we could come up with.
This has provided me with the laugh I required today! Much awesome here!
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed! =)
Just to update vouses, the pretend family of the unfortunate victim, have secured top-cog legal counsel, the eSTEAMed Ebeneezer Screwge, Esq., and are bringing a civil suit against the gear manufacturers.
Their thought is why should the victims of Big Tobacco and fast food hot coffee spillage be the only long-suffering parties to be compensated for their untold agony at the maleficence of large, impersonal corporations?
Gear crushees untie, er, unite!
This is very sad news. (sniff,sniff)
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